Monday, April 09, 2007

PRIMEVAL MOVIE REVIEW







CAST: DOMINIC PURCELL, BROOKE LANGTON, ORLANDO JONES
DIRECTOR: MICHAEL KATLEMAN
RUNTIME: 93 min
RATING: *
GENRE: CREATURE, THRILLER, HORROR

PRIMEVAL is the worst movie I have had the misfortune of experiencing in the past one year, hell make it since HOSTEL. I normally am a very forgiving and patient viewer, I actually sat through Oliver Stone’s ALEXANDER and Coppola’s BRAM STOKER’S DRACULA. But PRIMEVAL is something that is infinitely more sinister; this movie has the strength to torture you even after you go to it with absolutely no expectations whatsoever. In a way that was the problem with me. I was expecting a simple run-of-the-mill creature feature/horror. Just to bide my time, just to enjoy some cheap thrills. Little did I know that what was waiting for me in that theater was the mother of all dumb movies. The worst, the dumbest movies are not the ones that are apparently dumb, rather the movies that think they are smart when they are actually at the lowest point on the Intelligence Quotient scale are the movies one should run away from. PRIMEVAL is exactly that and to my horror much more.
I still cannot comprehend the logic behind making a political comment out of a stupid creature feature. Surprised, well I was shocked. Guess how would it look if HOTEL RWANDA and ANACONDA were one single movie? You must be tearing your hair, what garbage am I speaking? I sincerely wish the guys tearing their hair apart were the ones at Hollywood Pictures who gave the go-head to make this screenplay into a movie. You have incredibly dumb journalists, journalists that will make the press team in GODZILLA look like Carl Bernstein and Bob Woodward. So these dumb journalists venture into Burundi that is in the middle of some civil war where they have to catch a 20 feet long crocodile. Well, the plot seems good enough for some cheap thrills, but to my horror I was shown a freaking political drama, a stupid third grader history lesson where all of Africa is in a bloody civil war, everybody has nothing much to do but to kill each other, the rest being into all sorts of crazy rituals. And yeah there’s a stupid black journalist (Orlando Jones) who is making all sorts of cheap jokes, jokes befitting to be laughed at by no more than a fifth grader. What the black journalist comments is that Africa cannot be helped and that America is doing more than enough. And yeah, he shows the finger to some chap at the airport in Burundi by saying “From Brooklyn”. Now what sort of garbage is that? I will be honest with you, right now I’m so tempted to get my “expletive” side get the better of me. There is no way else can anybody describe PRIMEVAL, not with words from a gentlemanly lexicon. And it does go on and on. The actual beast does a very late entry and does have very little screen time. All the beasts you are going to see are “Beasts of War”. Isn’t that something? PRIMEVAL has no redeeming quality; it is a movie that should not be watched. I’m not sure how many worse movies I have seen but this would be right at the bottom of the pile.

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