Friday, July 03, 2009
Cast: Akshay Kumar and a whole bunch of idiots
Director: Some idiot
Runtime: My watch was playing tricks.
I hit the bed as soon as I entered my room. The devil possessed me. I wanted revenge. I wanted every innocent soul in this world to wince in pain. To wipe that smile of yours. I wanted to destroy your weekend. Wanted to push you good people into that dungeon of darkness and agony and watch you burn in the red hot flames of hell. And burn you would have. When this film revels in its degenerated humor of an obese black woman play the ugly beast supposedly unleashed from an asylum enjoying digging real deep into people’s posteriors and check for stuff. When this film in its schoolboy fascination for a woman’s body unleashes a whole army of disgusting and contemptible jabs at raunchy-humor. And fails. When that most wretched of all actresses Kiron Kher comes on to the screen and does what she does best – make you curse the day you were born. I assure you wouldn’t have just burnt. You would have been rotten in there.
But for God. And the goodness he spreads within all of us. I hoped to enjoy by gaining some kind of sadistic pleasure while you rotted. In that enraged state I closed my eyes. But couldn’t sleep. Could hear a lamb crying somewhere in the dark. I suspect it was you. And the rage made way for a strange sensation. Something welled up inside. I had to be the savior. And up I stood and on I went. To my laptop. To spread the message to one and all of this disaster-zone. This here is a demented film. No amount of curses or expletives can assuage the pain within me. This is not just a horrible film. It is not even the bottom of your neighborhood’s garbage dump. At least bacteria and cows and dogs and pigs could hope to feed of it. This one shall wipe of species. Every print there exists of this abomination should be burnt. Or tied to a huge stone and thrown into the ocean.
The idiots who made this movie had EMIs to pay. Had bills to clear. Had school fees to be filled. And what you shall lose within there is not just money. And I assure you shall be burning your money. Which is a sin in these times. You shall lose time. Time during which you could watch another movie. Or watch a cricket match. Or read a good book. Or sleep. Or enjoy the good weather. Or run around for no particular reason. Have good food. And then run again. But not watch this movie. You shall be assaulted. You shall lose your mind. And if you happen to be weak like me you shall grow disillusioned of God and humanity and succumb to the temptations of evil. So I fall on my knees. And beg for forgiveness. And beg you not to watch this film. Not to punish yourself. There might be a definite time and place for mea culpa. But not this. Not here. Not now. You people deserve better. Don’t even think about it.
And spread the word. If you’re reading this. And pray for those who aren’t.
Posted by Satish Naidu at 3:05 AM