Friday, July 03, 2009

KAMBAKKHT ISHQ: MOVIE REVIEW


Cast: Akshay Kumar and a whole bunch of idiots
Director: Some idiot
Runtime: My watch was playing tricks.
Rating: Abomination
Genre: Shit-pile

        I hit the bed as soon as I entered my room. The devil possessed me. I wanted revenge. I wanted every innocent soul in this world to wince in pain. To wipe that smile of yours. I wanted to destroy your weekend. Wanted to push you good people into that dungeon of darkness and agony and watch you burn in the red hot flames of hell. And burn you would have. When this film revels in its degenerated humor of an obese black woman play the ugly beast supposedly unleashed from an asylum enjoying digging real deep into people’s posteriors and check for stuff. When this film in its schoolboy fascination for a woman’s body unleashes a whole army of disgusting and contemptible jabs at raunchy-humor. And fails. When that most wretched of all actresses Kiron Kher comes on to the screen and does what she does best – make you curse the day you were born. I assure you wouldn’t have just burnt. You would have been rotten in there.
        But for God. And the goodness he spreads within all of us. I hoped to enjoy by gaining some kind of sadistic pleasure while you rotted. In that enraged state I closed my eyes. But couldn’t sleep. Could hear a lamb crying somewhere in the dark. I suspect it was you. And the rage made way for a strange sensation. Something welled up inside. I had to be the savior. And up I stood and on I went. To my laptop. To spread the message to one and all of this disaster-zone. This here is a demented film. No amount of curses or expletives can assuage the pain within me. This is not just a horrible film. It is not even the bottom of your neighborhood’s garbage dump. At least bacteria and cows and dogs and pigs could hope to feed of it. This one shall wipe of species. Every print there exists of this abomination should be burnt. Or tied to a huge stone and thrown into the ocean.
        The idiots who made this movie had EMIs to pay. Had bills to clear. Had school fees to be filled. And what you shall lose within there is not just money. And I assure you shall be burning your money. Which is a sin in these times. You shall lose time. Time during which you could watch another movie. Or watch a cricket match. Or read a good book. Or sleep. Or enjoy the good weather. Or run around for no particular reason. Have good food. And then run again. But not watch this movie. You shall be assaulted. You shall lose your mind. And if you happen to be weak like me you shall grow disillusioned of God and humanity and succumb to the temptations of evil. So I fall on my knees. And beg for forgiveness. And beg you not to watch this film. Not to punish yourself. There might be a definite time and place for mea culpa. But not this. Not here. Not now. You people deserve better. Don’t even think about it.
        And spread the word. If you’re reading this. And pray for those who aren’t.

20 comments:

Anonymous said...

Did you get free tickets to watch this crap? You would be the last person, I could think of, who would catch a preview of such a movie..

Anonymous said...

http://www.bollywoodhungama.com/movies/review/13766/index.html check out this moron's review.. Excerpts from his review -

To sum up, KAMBAKKHT ISHQ offers you value for time and also, value for money. It offers loads of entertainment in those 2 + hours, loads of glamour in those 130 odd minutes, from start to end. Sure, there are blemishes, but they're trivial when you look at the larger picture.

Aravind Ganesan said...

The only good thing that you have written about its movie or its cast is that you have named Akshay Kumar. So guess he is worth watching in this movie?

!Teq-uila Del Zapata said...

seriously i am laughing my ass off, due to this review, thank god, u saved my day.
i am off to see, hangover, wont be as bad.

man in the iron mask said...

Aravind, my dear friend, there's nothing in this movie that is "worth" anything. This is a sick movie. A disgusting movie.

Amar said...

I totally agree. I watched this movie last night and I am still in awe of an awesome moron like Sabir Khan, who could not make best out of two fantastic actors i.e. Akki and Kareena...After wasting 2 and 1/2 hours of my life, I must say Javed Jaffery was such a savior in this dreadful period. He had no links with anybody in this movie and he had no purpose to be in such a terrible flick. But he does his riotous best and outclasses even Akki in the comedy department. Apart from him, entire film was a dud. Worst characterization, worst editing, worst story (was there one ??) and above all, worst direction at its best...After this one, I am not going to see any other Akki movie even if I get a chance to watch it with Anne Hathaway and Michelle Williams...

Atrisa said...

Hahaha! Love Aaj Kal now?

Atrisa said...

Oh and does reviewing Hindi movies get you more relevant AdSense and therefore more money? :P Just curious!

Anonymous said...

Seriously dude, LMAO !
"The lambs crying somewhere in the dark" Lolz !

Anonymous said...

hahahaa....
I really like people criticizing such movies...
I read the directors interview on rediff.com where he said that he went to US to make contacts with the hollywood starsso that they agree to work in his film and he also "WORKED" on the script....hahahaha
I dont understand why thses people dont get to understand that they are making a bad movie and waste such a huge amount of money.

Anonymous said...

This movie is a blockbuster

Perx said...

I never thought u would ever watch this movie which was bound to be crap since its trailer released..

Atrisa said...

The movie was so so bad I just ended up having fun! Strangely I had the same experience with Tashan :P

man in the iron mask said...

Archita, Love Aaj Kal most definitely. Aint Ms. Padukone a darling.

I don't know much about adsense, forget relevance.

But how the hell did you have fun? "So bad that they are good" is for different movies. Like Phoonk. But this one?
Tell me, tell me, how many glasses did you have?

man in the iron mask said...

Perx, I watch all kinds. Everything. You name the genre, you name the language, and you name the quality.

You know what, porn really needs a makeover. It is one of the dying arts.

Atrisa said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Atrisa said...

I guess after watching serious world movies about racism, slavery and female emancipation, watching a mindless comedy, if one might say, comes as a welcome change (did I just say that?) That and the 10 boys sitting in the row 1 ahead of us who hooted when Kareena realizes she has been ehm...used and every time there was even a peck on the cheek.

Saving grace you ask? Kareena's absolutely ravishing outfits hired from Carrie Bradshaw's wardrobe. That keeps a group of 3 girls busy gasping.

P.S: I totally agree with you on the porn front. Considering what a massive industry it is, India has great potential for an organized porn movie industry including merchandising.

Perx said...

@man in the iron mask
yeah man.. indian porn does need a makeover.. the quality is cringe worthy..
interested in directing any? i'll provide the scripts.. :P

Perx said...

@man in the iron mask
u know there could be an excellent one with joker and rachel.. ;)
sry, my mind runs wild in the moors of erotica :P

man in the iron mask said...

Oh no Perx no, not Rachel. Not my dear Rachel. She is pure, she is divine.
And The Joker, ah well, he has bigger issues to worry about. Not him.

But I seem to be immensely fascinated at the very thought of Dr. Lecter, and Clarice Sterling. Did it already start in The Silence of the Lambs?